Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Potty talk, part deux

I have bathroom issues.

Ok, don't run screaming from the room. I do promise not to get TOO much into the realm of TMI. It's not really a scatalogical issue (wow, I do use big words), but more an actual facilities problem.

I love my own bathroom. My own toilet (yes, the one pictured here, not the one I posted once before). I don't even like to use the other bathrooms in my own house. If my husband is in ours, I prefer to wait rather than use the kids' bathroom or the (excuse the expression) powder room, which is just a nice way of saying the downstairs half-bath. My family makes fun of me for this, but oh well.

So you can imagine how I feel about public restrooms. Can I just say one word?


I have specific places where I will go, and most places that I won't.

Here are places that get my "business":

Costco: I have no idea why, and it doesn't even matter if it's in a "good" part of town or a "bad" (whatever the hell that means). I just find Costco bathrooms to be generally clean and not squig-worthy.

Starbucks: Pfffft. This also defies explanation. But the Roo-girl and Z-man laughed hysterically when I pointed out every Starbucks I had peed in during three trips along the gazillion-mile pedestrian mall in faraway collegeland. (However, I must point out that there were more than four separate S'bucks along the mall, which I think defies explanation more than my willingness to pee there.)

My local grocery store: Iffy, but in an emergency ... (and there's only one grocery store I'll use out of three close ones).

My office: Yeah, well, we can all breathe a sigh of relief that I don't feel the need to hold it all day.

Places I won't go:

Gas station bathrooms: One word only -- ewwwwwwwwww.

Porta-potties: See above.

Other people's homes: Doesn't make me totally squeamish, but sometimes gives me the ickies. Especially if they have boys. (Oh, please, you know what I mean. And I have three sons of my own -- and a husband -- so don't get all in my face here!)

Just about anywhere else: My family knows that if I say I have to "go," and I'm not in one of my comfort zones, then I really have to GO. Because otherwise my response would be "Don't go there, girlfriend!"

I think the basic problem in all of it is other people's bodily fluids (etc.).

So imagine my ultimate thrill when I went into my personal sanctuary this morning and discovered that my husband, though perfect in many many ways, had decided not to flush sometime overnight.

Although I have not discussed (or disgust) this with him, my guess is that he had two reasons for this lapse of etiquette:

1. He didn't want to wake me at 5 a.m. with the sound of rushing water.

2. He was being a good soldier and saving water by not flushing.

And the reaction of his loving wife to these noble reasons?

1. Uh... He woke me up anyway to kiss me goodbye. (This is a good thing, people! Believe me, I know this!)


Because ... ew.


Tink said...

I've mastered the art of hovering, so I'll pretty much pee anywhere. But there are only three places I'll go number 2: home, my parents' house, work. That's it. If we go on vacation for a week, I don't go. Seriously. I think my body rebels or something.

Junebug said...

I line the toilet with paper so I can sit. My mother taught me how to hover also. When I was five years old our plumbing got messed up and we even had an outhouse for a period of time. You talk about ewwwwwwww. I find the best bathrooms to go in at the mall. It is usually Dillard's. At another shopping center the best bathroom (and maybe the only) available is Saks Fifth Avenue. So when I go to that shopping center, I head directly to Saks, go up the elevator to the bathroom, go down the elevator, and out the door. :D Quickly, cause they are expensive beyond reason and the staff there are a little fussy.

Mango Marie said...

Great post! I have this thing that when we are traveling, I've just gotta go. I too have mastered the art of hovering, but I gag as I think about the places I've seen. Mr. Mango told me I should write a book and call it "Bathrooms across America".

~JJ! said...

You sound like my daughter...

Junebug said...

Oh, I have an award for you at my place. Come see...

Serina Hope said...

Oh man porta poties are the worst. I can't even think about going in one of those.

cate said...

oh, i can't stand the thought of public bathrooms. i've tried hovering, but my lack of balance requires me to touch something...and i would prefer there be no touchingof anything in a public bathroom!

i make sure to use my own facilities before leaving home, and hope that i won't need to go again until i get home!

AnGlOpHiLe FoOtBaLl FaNaTiC said...

I am SOOO with you on this. I had multiple bladder infections as a kid for failure to pee. In the sorority house (my only venture in communal living), I realized NOBODY ever used the downstairs bathroom & it became MINE. I will not use public places. Pretty much ever. AND, thank you for being the only one to realize, that the injustice in the poo tub was that it was MY TUB.

Jenni said...

I will go to the bathroom just about anywhere. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go. I won't necessarily like it. I may be completely disgusted, but I'll get it done with and then try to put it out of my mind. I'm glad more places have started putting out those toilet seat covers. Though most gas station bathrooms are just disgusing, Quik Trip stations are almost always clean. I can feel safe going to the bathroom there. I am not afraid to use an outhouse or porta potty if necessary. Again, I won't like it, but sometimes it's necessary when camping in public parks where you might be discovered peeing behind a tree.

At home, I will wait for my own bathroom to be free. It has to be an emergency for me to use the 1/2 bath or one of the kids' bathrooms.

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