Thursday, November 22, 2007


I didn't want to write today. I really really didn't.

Mostly because I was afraid of what would come pouring out through my fingertips.

It's a day to be thankful. And all us NaBloPoMo'ers still have to go post(al), even today.

I feel like a broken record this week, with all my goody-two-shoeness and sweetness and light.


Work is kicking my ass.

Life is kinda kicking my ass, too.

Yes, I know that I had that healing dream only this week.

And in my sentient moments (oooh, 50-cent word for today!), I know that I have it sweet. Great husband, great kids, great friends, a roof over my head (a nice one, too), a job that (mostly) pays the bills.

But late at night, when it's dark and quiet, when everyone else is dreaming of sugarplums ... I think too much.

I think about all the mistakes.

I think about two failed marriages.

I think about the damage that my bad choices did to my children.

I think about bad things.

I think about worse things.

I think about worser things.

I even think about how, when it came time for my 30th high school reunion (woot! I'm old!), I didn't go ... and I cried for hours because my life hadn't turned out ANYTHING like I had expected it to, lo those many years ago.

But I know I have to STOP thinking. Because if I do my calendar math correctly, only three months after that reunion, I met a certain man in a bar.

So today is the day that I officially get my head out of my ass and stop thinking too much.

And start being more grateful instead. And to remember that everywhere I've been has brought me to where I am.

Now, in the dark of night, when I look over at my sleeping husband, I will only think of that country song by Rascal Flatts:

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

'Nuff said, don't you think?


Robinella said...

My parents made mistakes and my sister and I turned out alright, no scratch that, better than alright. It sounds from your blog like you have done a fabulous job!

The conclusions you came to late at night are what I like to call, "giving myself an attitude adjustment". I need them too from time to time.


Junebug said...

Late at night is a bad time for thoughts. It's dark and time seems endless and things always look darker. I do this thinking sometimes too. Thank God tomorrow's a new day, every day, with no mistakes in it. I know that sounds cheesy but I believe it's true. :D I have to believe it's true. It helps. me.

Blue Momma said...

I've been feeling the same way the past few days. Feeling like I need to quit worrying about what I don't have and things I didn't do and start appreciating the things I do have and doing the things I can do.

Is it age that brings this realization or are we just getting smarter?

Me? Going on 23 years out of school, so I'm old with ya!

Secret Agent Mama said...

Does no good to worry about the past and dwell on the future; we must live in the now and rejoice in what we can. We all make mistakes, we all have hardships, but they make us who we are.

baby~amore' said...

Focus on the future - the best is yet to be.

Jen4 @ Amazing Trips said...

Ah, but what I would give to be perfect. It is good to think, but not too much. At least not too much about those things that bring you down. Fact is - those things are in your past. All you have is the here & now. It's a gift, that's why they call it "the present".

That's one of my mom's favorite sayings. It once annoyed me every time she said it. Now, I find myself saying it all the time. (That must mean I'm becoming my mother?) SO CHIN UP. Hug your children and your husband. Shake the house off yourself. And do something for someone less fortunate than yourself.

Now I AM my mother. :)

Jenni said...

Well, we all make mistakes. I doubt life turns out for anyone exactly like they thought it would. I think I'm glad of that. I like surprises. And the mistakes and bad stuff? That was just practice for when everything would fall into place and really be right. Your children have probably learned more watching you fall down and get back up than they ever could have learned from watching someone do it perfectly. Having been through some bad times, I bet you appreciate the good all the more and in a way those who've had it easy never could. There is much to be thankful for, no matter how you look at it.

Pamela said...

just start singing.

Canadian flake said...

'nuff said...I can relate to this post , more than I want to.

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