Monday, March 24, 2008

Lawsie, Miss Scarlett, I don't know NOTHIN' 'bout birthin' no babies!!

If you are looking for the ABCs of Fun Monday -- sorry. I had a different story to tell today ...

I mentioned earlier that all of my children had unique and creative beginnings, but for the most part, their entry into the world was pretty ordinary.

Drummer Man is adopted, but -- other than the fact that I wasn't there at the birth of the person who bestowed the title of mommy upon me -- his arrival was nothing unusual.

Z-man -- scheduled c-section.

Roo-girl -- the same.

J-bear -- she's my stepdaughter, so I didn't have anything to do with that.

Hmmmm, she said. Who is missing in this list?

As befitting his station, it's the Drama King, of course!

For purposes of this story, I am skipping over the drama (naturally) that led to his conception, which included a trip to Israel and a fervent wish scribbled on a piece of paper and lodged in the Western Wall.

Anyway, the presence of an adopted child made my pregnancy a little different than usual first-timers. I was experiencing all the symptoms for the first time, yet I was still chasing after a toddler we had nicknamed Mr. Destructo (for obvious reasons).

Trust me, I'm not complaining. It just makes things a little creative for a first-timer.

Anyway, his birth story. Right.

Drama King's due date was Nov. 10, 1983. And in one of the only predictable moves he has ever made, he began to make his presence known in the afternoon hours of Nov. 9.

Contractions were ... not so bad. I drove around with them (still needed a few things at the grocery story, etc.), I came home, we went out to dinner (mistake!), we came home.

I put Drummer Toddler to bed.

Where he didn't like to stay.

We had transitioned him to a big-boy bed, but he had refused to stay in it, choosing instead to take his 2 1/2-year-old self on walks down the hall. In a fit of holy-crap-now-what-do-I-do, I had called a "warm line" to ask for some parenting advice.

"He's concerned that you won't be there. Lie on his floor till he goes to sleep, then sneak out. As he becomes accustomed to this, gradually transition yourself a little further and further away until you work your way out of his room entirely."

Um. Yeah.

Nervous Nellie mom, with impending second child. I had been lying on his floor for days now, leaving me AGAIN on the floor at 8 p.m. on Nov. 9, holding Drama Toddler's hand (at his insistence), timing my contractions.

Eventually, sanity prevailed. "Drummer," I said. "Mommy has to go back to her room. YOU STAY HERE."

Funny. He did just that. Kids.

Anyway, we took a midnight'ish run to the hospital, just for yucks, only to be told that I was barely dilated and would be "more comfortable" laboring at home (in other words: GO AWAY).

By the time I got home, though, I was in full-blown labor. Piggy-back contractions rolled in one after another, and I was fuh-reaking out.

Lamaze? Um, sure.

Mr. Now-Ex-Husband drove me once again through a winding canyon road in rush-hour traffic to my doctor's office. I pressed my "focal point" (a photo of Drummer Toddler) to my nose, trying to breathe through pain I had never imagined.

The doctor confirmed that, why yes, I was in active labor, and they put me in a wheelchair to wheel me to labor and delivery.

I was too busy breathing to notice the nurse and Mr. Ex collapsing in hysterical laughter as they rolled me into the elevator and he reached for the button -- knocking off the toupee of the guy standing next to me.

I miss all the good stuff!

This story gets longer by the second, doesn't it? I can cut to a bit of the chase here, though.

Drugs. They gave me blessed drugs.

Never let anyone tell you different: The epidural is your friend.

The rest of labor was a piece of cake. Then it became time to push.

Please note -- at this point it was about 3 p.m. on Nov. 10. I had been in some kind of labor since about 3 the previous afternoon.

Pushing was no picnic. What they don't tell you in Lamaze class is THEY LET THE EPIDURAL WEAR OFF to push.

So I pushed.

And I pushed.

And I pushed.

And every time I pushed, the Drama King would move down through my cervix. And every time the pushing contraction stopped, he would slide back up.

Someone had the bright idea to pull the edges of my cervix back by hand.

Not just one hand, mind you. I had more hands up my hoo-hoo than I thought it was capable of handling.

And still I pushed ... and DK lowered himself ... and I relaxed ... and he slid back. For an hour and a half.

"Let's talk about a c-section," my doctor said.

"NO," exclaimed the labor nurse, who I instantly despised. "You haven't given her a chance. Let her go another hour ..."

Say WHAT?????

"Well," says my kindly doc. "What do you think, Janet? Do you want to push for another hour?"

"If I push for another hour, will I have a c-section anyway?" I asked.

"Probably," she said.


"Ok," she said. "But I want to make sure you are good with having a c-section instead of a natural childbirth."

"Let me ask you something," I said (and I remember the words I spoke as clearly as if they were yesterday). "Will I have a baby when you're done here?"

"Yes," she answered.

"I don't care HOW it gets out -- just get it out already!!"


Drama King

Born: 5:23 p.m. Nov. 10, 1983

Weight: 9 pounds, 2 1/2 ounces

Length: 21 inches

Head circumpherence: I don't know, but there was no question that he wasn't getting out the way he got in.

This post is part of the Birth Story Carnival, thought up by Lotus, the Sarcastic Mom.


Miss Ann Thrope said...

Obviously, Drama King is highly misunderstood. I was born on November 8, and everyone says I am dramatic too. Please. The world does NOT understand us! Or give us the adoration we are due.

Tell the Drama Boy, Auntie Miss Ann loves him, sight unseen, just because he's a Scorpio....

karisma said...

Well that was very entertaining, I love a good birth story. I have to beg to differ on the epidural thing though! I think they are a total waste of time. After reading this I am definitely of the opinion that they stuff up the whole process. It is NOT your friend at all, it just pretends to be. I watched my sister in law go through all that as well and they let her go far more than an hour. Considering they gave it to her when the baby was bearing down, it didn't do much good. But hey no one listened to me, I'd only done it five times already. How would I know whats going on hey? Yes she probably would have still had the c-section but more than likely she would have had it 12hours earlier.

Im glad your little Drama Boy made it out safely. Thanks for sharing.

Sayre said...

Yow! I would have gone that way too! In fact, I did. ZBoy was breech and they thought he was much bigger than he was, so we scheduled a C-Section rather than take the chance. The nice thing about a scheduled one is that there is no labor involved. I'm sorry you had to do that bit first!

kitten said...

Loved your little story! All 3 stories of my 3 are different and all dramatic! Maybe one day this week I will post mine. I'll let ya know when I do. Let's see, Monday- FM, Tuesday- A Easter Wedding and Birthday, So if I don't forget I'll do it Wed.

swampy said...

I think you might have used all the ABC's telling this wonderful story.
Now, excuse me while I go have an epidural.
You make me smile with the fact you had a story to tell and you told it.

nikki said...

Over nine pounds, why you had a small turkey in time for Thanksgiving! And yes ladies, the epidurel is you BESTEST friend ever. Especially when you are having back labor and your sweet baby is riding your broken tailbone.

Rebecca said...

Thanks for sharing your story! :)

Pamela said...

I wish there was an epidural when my babies were born. Natural childbird was great for immediate after the birth. But I had nightmares for a long time about being pregnant. I think it was very similar to post traumatic stress disorder. whew.

Janet said...

I would respectfully disagree with Karisma. I went for 18 hours in full hard contraction-upon-contraction labor before I gave up and let them do an epidural. It was another 12 hours before I had dilated to 9 centimeters. I then pushed for 2 1/2 hours. Enough to get the Queen stuck. C-section? You betcha. Natural childbirth would have ended up killing both of us. As it was, she had a very odd-shaped head for the first few days.

suchsimplepleasures said...

my oldest child was breech so the doctors decided it was a really good idea to flip him around, a couple of days before i was due. then, they thought it was a really good idea to find out approximately how much he was going to weigh...which they estimated at 12 pounds. then...they thought it was a really good idea for a c-section...almost stat...
9 pounds 11 oz. first son was taken out of my tummy...
i loved your story! i forgot to do mine...but, i barely have a computer right now!!

The Rotten Correspondent said...

Sasquatch was very much like that, too. What is it with first pregnancies and deliveries? Sadly for me by the time I decided I wanted the epidural it was too late and they wouldn't give me one.

It was my first glimpse into his own dramatic personality.

Kaytabug said...

WOW great story. I love birth stories.

Burfica said...

I guess I got away real lucky. My water broke in the hospital 2 in the morning and I had kiddo after only one hour of pushing by 8 in the morning.

He was my first, yup he came fast. Doesnt' stop the fact that his head was GINOURMOUS He even had cuts on his forehead and chin cuz it was so big and my pelvic bone cut him. Poor kid.

Jenni said...

You are such a great storyteller!

Thanks for sharing such a personal story. Birth is amazing and awesome, no matter how it happens!

Robin (the PENSIEVE one) said...

Crossing my legs in sympathetic pain...yowza!

What an entertaining story to distract us from realizing your BROKE RULES with Swampy's challenge ;). That being said, I laughed with you, I cried with you...I laughed at you (j/k). Well told, and yes, I agree--epidurals ARE our friends!

Kudos to you signing up for next week before a theme was posted...I could have a lot of fun with you if I was inclined ;).


Colleen said... many similarities to the birth of my 1st son! Maybe its ANY November baby!

secret agent mama said...

What an awesome write up, Janet! Thanks so much for sharing!! :D

lisa marie said...

Wow! I think it would have taken me as long to write my stories as it did to incubate four babies. I had very different experiences each time. C-sect, fairly normal, midwife and long.

Thank goodness those days are past us. :)

Mr Lady said...

Janet, you freaking KILL me. They tried to stretch my cervix at 8cm, and thankfully my lovely fetus and soon to be son, hearing this in-utero, promptly fell right out of me at that moment.

Good boy that one.

Punk Rock Mom said...

great story!!! And I could not agree with you more about the epidural!

Simply Jenn said...

That is a really great story Janet! I agree with Swampy, not only is it great writing, it used a whole lot of letters.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

If you had told me sooner that telling them to stay in their beds works, you could have saved me some grief. Damn if they don't listen!

It's stories like this that make me grateful that the Toddler had no intentions of moving out EVER and made that obvious to everyone, including the kind nurse who saved me from pointless labor. Contractions? What are those? Never had one.

Amy said...

Awesome story! Thanks so much for sharing it with us! And it was so funny. Birthing babies brings out the best in all of us!

Toni said...

I LOVE a great story of a birth. And this is a great one!

Karina said...

I came for Fun Monday and generally as I don't have any kids yet, I tend to avoid birth stories, because really, I don't really NEED to know all this stuff do I? However, this was really funny to read. ;-)

Huckdoll said...

I had my twins via c-section so these stories are fascinating to me. That said, I love your because you were cool with the c-section and just wanted to get it done rather then moan and groan about natural birth. You had (and still have) an awesome positive attitude! I dig it :)

ChrisB said...

No Epidurals when my children were born and both were forceps babies. I really enjoyed reading your story :)

tiff said...

Wow, that was a great birth story.
Thanks for sharing it.

Alison said...

great story..thanks for sharing.

IamwhoIam said...

Birth storys following the rules.
Congrates on such a BIG baby.
Thanks for sharing.

Sarcastic Mom (aka Lotus) said...

I love your story!

You know, they kept me drugged up through all the pushing - I never felt any serious pain until later in the night. It's why I crushed my femoral nerve!

Toupee, hehehehe.

What a cute Drama King. :-)

Nekked Lizard Lady said...

Poot was big, too. NLM thought (still thinks) I was just being a wimp. I was brave for my first 2 kids, no drugs. But experience taught me, do the drugs, do the drugs, so I did with Poot. Glad I did. He was so big, I would have passed out with all the pain. Good story.

Karmyn R said...

Yes, the epidural is your friend.

Having both my kids induced, I missed out on all that fun "rushing to the hospital" stuff. I am hoping this 3rd one comes by itself.

Great story.

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

You know you had me at the title! Welcome to the world you HUGE boy! Drugs are always your friend!

MP said...


The little guy was born on My birthday, 17 years later...

Drama..YEP...I have been known for it too :-)

Love the "wig" part of it..that is classic!

Tink said...

I'm the same age as the Drama King! :)

Great story.

~JJ! said...

I love birth stories...

I love that you were a "new" mom without being a new mom...Too cool.

Kenna said...

Found you through "The Carnival" and really loved this story! I'll be back for more :)

Anonymous said...

Dear Author !
Very remarkable topic

Anonymous said...

I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
And you et an account on Twitter?

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