Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Intestinal fortitude

This is a difficult week for those of us of the Jewish persuasion -- of which I count myself a member.

It's Passover -- truly a lovely holiday that is all about the celebration of freedom from slavery.

I love this holiday. I love the traditions. I love the two nights of seder dinners with their traditional foods. I love the way the foods are meant to represent parts of the story -- the charoset (the mortar of the bricks the Jews made for the pharaohs of ancient Egypt), the bitter herb (representing the bitterness of slavery), the matzah (the unleavened bread that the Jews took on their flight from Egypt because they couldn't wait for the bread to rise).

Yes, I love it all.

Well, almost all.

I hope it's OK if I tell you a little secret:

Shhhhhh.

Matzah really IS the bread of our affliction.

Or, to put it another way: Holy Moses! I am so freakin' constipated!!!!!

Ah, matzah, I love you, but you do not love me.

There is nothing that binds us Jews together like the traditional solidifying of our intestinal tract into a concrete block.

And please, let's not talk about the after-effects of my favorite take-to-work-during-Passover lunch: melted cheese on a matzah.

That sound you heard was my colon grinding to a halt.

Now, when I was a small child and going to seders at the home of the family matriarch (my paternal grandmother -- and you BETTER not cross this woman ... and I'm serious, young lady!), there was always something that puzzled me about the meal.

She always served this nauseating fruit compote thing for dessert.

All us kids would stare at it in horror and try to pass it off to the person to our right. Uh, no thanks, Grandma. Really! I couldn't eat another bite!

Right nasty it was, all pale and slimy-looking in a bowl.

But it wasn't until years later that I had an epiphanous moment.

It was stewed fruit, people. Apricots, peaches and PRUNES!

My grandma knew even way back then the importance of this traditional phrase:

"Let my people GO!!!!!!!!!!"

27 comments:

maggie's mind said...

Hahaha, awesome, awesome post and educational, too. I was young enough at the only seder dinner I ever attended that it wasn't an issue, but if I find myself celebrating with you next year or something, this advice could really come in handy.

Mr Lady said...

I'm not entirely sure you won't go straight to hell for this post.

And I love it.

Dory said...

Ick! Skip the prunes and go for a couple stool softner capsules!

Jenni said...

LOL! Funny and educational, just the way to start my morning.

Betsy Bird said...

Go Grandma!!!

Tink said...

Ahahahaha! That's horrible and funny all at the same time.

Junebug said...

How interesting. My family celebrated a seder dinner once. I thought it was so marvelous, all the meaning in each item. We had roasted lamb. The first time I have ever had that.

Auds at Barking Mad said...

This is brilliant! Just about the most amusing thing I've read in ages. Hope you don't mind that I share this with my mum, who is Jewish.

I'm enjoying your blog, immensely!

Audrey

Phyllis Sommer said...

lol - too funny. i actually *made* the compote this year!;-)

LceeL said...

Your Grandmother. Such a food maven, she was. And it's even funnier in Yiddish - Los mein menchen gain! Spelling could be off, but the idea is there.

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

"There is nothing that binds us Jews together like the traditional solidifying of our intestinal tract into a concrete block.'

That LITERALLY made me spit my vanilla iced coffee all over my computer monitor. WAY TOO FUNNY!

Beckie said...

Now that was educational and funny!

Judith Shakespeare said...

Totally spewed the Diet Coke all over my monitor. Grandmothers... Complete genius.

Burfica said...

I was either gonna say stool softeners or a small glass of prune juice every day.

I hate prunes. When I was like 11 or 12 I got a blockage in my intestines and they made me eat 5 prunes twice a day. I hate those dam things.

the Janet who actually likes prunes said...

back then, people knew what foods to eat together...it's a lost art!

Janet said...

As they say around here, "Bless your heart." I have peaches and pears right here. No prunes though.

Miss Anne Derstood said...

This post made me go poo. Jealous?

anglophilefootballfanatic said...

And, you would've put that up at my place? HHAHHAHAHAH Love it. Makes you life as a non-poo in public girl harder, no? I mean come on. The land of milk & honey should not require colace for survival.

Anonymous said...

This is Barking Mad's mom. Charoset is also good. As a five-month post-bariatric surgery patient who doesn't eat a lot of fiber and who takes iron, I find chewable calcium tablets help to move things along. No thanks to the prunes, too much sugar.

Robinella said...

told as only you could. riotous, really!

jennifer said...

This is one of the funniest posts I've ever read!

The Immoral Matriarch said...

LOLOLOLOLOOLOLOLOLOL

Kelley said...

Bwaaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaa!

I loves me a poo post.

Pamela said...

WHAT KELLEY SAID!!!

Debbie said...

"Let my people go." Why didn't you warn me it would end that way? I almost fell out of my chair. I am happy to read this. Although I am now reading daily, I missed all this goodness from back in the day.

texasholly said...

OMG. OMG. OMG.

Seriously, you had me at the intestinal issues, but the 'Let my people go...' HOLY HELL.

Thanks so much for linking today. I love this post!

jill jill bo bill said...

Now that is some funny shit. Sorry, I said shit. I meant crap. Sorry. You are bound and I am laughing at you. Great post!

 
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