Friday, June 20, 2008

Haiku Friday: the post-Father's Day edition

Haiku Friday

Father's Day always
means dinner in the nuthouse
with the Weird Fam'ly.

You cannot deny that
this is what you've waited for:
the Planet crazies!

I wish oh wish that I had the patience to do justice to Father's Day in haiku. Instead you must be satisfied with a haiku intro and snippets. There's just no other way.

So with no further ado and a-don't, I give you ... the nuthouse.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Drama King: *singing* "I kissed a girl and I liked it ..."

Evil Mother: Bwahahahahahaa!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Roo-girl: Mom, there's a book I want to get ... It's called "Suck It Up."

Z-man: Wha???

TRG and Evil Mother: *in unison* It's a vampire book.

Z-man: Oh. Heh. I thought maybe it was a self-help book.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Drama King: *surveying the dinner buffet and barbecue* Oooooooooooh! CORN!!

Evil Mother: You are not allowed to have corn.

Drama King: Bwahahahahaha!!

Drummer Man: *oblivious as usual* Why not?

Evil Mother: Dude. Were you NOT THERE????

Drummer Man: Oh. Yeah.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My sister's child -- she of the restrictive sleep habits and assorted other fine qualities -- was in RARE form on Sunday night.

Let me set the scene a little. She really deserves her own post, based on the whacked-out upbringing she has had from my sister and the bigotted asshole she married (yes, I know -- don't hold back, Janet. Tell us how you REALLY feel!)

My sister was anorexic in college. She still is a whack job.

My brother-in-law is a morbidly obese Italian who converted to Judaism so the rabbi could marry them 8 years ago. We hate him. He's older than I am. She's 10 years younger than me.

The child? Is a divine creation.

The child? Has never actually eaten a meal away from her home. My sister brings cheese puffs and Doritos in a bag. Even to Passover dinner (where the cheesy poofs and Doritos constitute a breach of the dietary restrictions) and to the country club where we had Father's Day buffet that offered everything from steak to sushi, pasta, fruit, salads, veggies to die for and a dessert table that made me drool at 50 paces.

The child? Is 6 1/2.

The mother and father? Need to get a grip.

In addition to her lovely eating habits, she is hyperactive and has a discipline problem.

As in: She gets none. Which means that her whirling dervish behavior goes unchecked.

So when she repeated bonked my father on the nose from across the table with a balloon flower (you know, the balloon animal kind) while he was talking and NO ONE DID ANYTHING, including my father, this conversation ensued:

Evil Mother: *speaking softly to her three boys* If that were my child, she would have lost a limb.

Drama King: Uh. Yeah.

Z-man: No. If that were your child, it never would have happened. We were raised better than that.

*That strange sound you hear is me screaming and doing the happy dance as my children agreed that their upbringing resulted in reasonably well-behaved adults. Well, except for that corn thing.*


Pamela said...

of course she's hyper and out of control with those kind of eating habits.

I just don't understand that.

You are a better woman than I. I would have busted the balloon with my steak knife.

karisma said...

LOL! Oh Pamela, you are such a sweet grandma, yes you are! You sound a bit like my grandma, except you know she had t,his detachable ironing cord, that really whacked a whip! (Not that I ever copped it, I was a perfect child you know! Just ask my younger siblings, they hate me!)

Now Janet, hearing this about the perfect child there, I had to have a giggle, you see my cousins live in detroit and once upon a time, when my kids were very small, she came for a visit to the land of Oz, bringing along, and I kid you not!, cans of gross food for her child. She was not allowed to eat what our kids ate (you know fresh organic food!) Us Aussies might contaminate her preservatives or something. You know, way back then, I had to wonder if all you Americans were that weird! Thankfully I find there are lots of normal, if strange people over there. Just like me!

Mom24 said...

Wow! I don't even know what to say about your niece. Nice to know she doesn't have much of a chance of growing up normal, isn't it? At least Father's Day comes but once a year. Yours certainly sounds INTERESTING! Hope you have a much more peaceful weekend.

Lisa said...

Another reason I'm glad I don't have to deal with my FIL anymore LOL He hates me but then again...the feeling is mutual =)

Kathryn said...

With that kind of a diet how could that child be anything less than messed up? I'm surprised she doesn't have rickets too!

Sounds like your Father's Day was interesting, to say the least. ;)

Phyllis Sommer said...

wow. crazy!!!! i do admit that i'm still giggling about "suck it up"...vampire book...selfhelp book....!!!!!;-)

Janet said...

Doritos and cheese puffs? Yep, that's causing the hyperactivity, although she'll probably end up on Ritalin rather than anybody telling her clueless parents to change her diet.

Self-help book made me laugh OUT LOUD. Then I had to tell the 4-year-old why I was laughing.

Melissa said...

I would so totally name a self help book "Suck it Up". That's awesome.

And the diet? OMG, that is just dreadful.

And the visuals on the corn? Could have done without that. It's now burned into my retinas, never to be removed. Thanks for that. :)

Rachel said...

See, you think Suck It Up as Self Help.. I think something totally different.
How the hell do people raise children like that. what's wrong with them? But, yippeee for you for having that awesome moment with the kids giving you such great validation.

Kaytabug said...

There is so much in this post, I don't know if I can comment on all of it!!
So glad I clicked back over to the corn post,I had missed it when it first aired! Hilarious!

That is vile food that girl is on.
I still want you to raise my boys, pretty please?

Karen of Sillymonkeez said...

Aren't family gatherings wonderful?!! LOL!!!

I think it's great that your children recognize what a great job you did raising them.

Cathy said...

Sounds like my nephew, but I'll usually step in and say something - I've got my own son trying to copy his awful behaviors!

Catwoman said...

I would think that it would be the best compliment a parent can ever be given. Kind of like when I heard this morning about the pact those 17 teenage girls made to get pregnant together so they could raise their kids together. And the thought of even doing that when I was a teenager made me cower in my boots, because, hoooey! I knew better than to even COME UP with a stupid idea like that.

Burfica said...

god I've been gone a long time, I have no idea what the corn thing is. I wish I knew.

and you have way more patients than me. My sister and I have an understanding that if my son is being a shit, she can spank him. As in I would have stood up and knocked her lights out, and explained why, then I might have knocked my sisters lights out as well, just for good measure.

But yeah, I'm mean that way. lol

Sandy C. said...

ROFL- "Self-help book" :)

Cheesy poof and doritos? I hope she doesn't get her father's weight genes.

"If that were my child, she would have lost a limb."- Man. You and I are so alike it's scary ;)

Bren said...

lmao at "self-help book"

Your family is a hoot!

Sarah said...

Hooray for great kids!!

And boo for bad ones. I've had a few of those in my family. Not mine, of course. Mine just don't eat...period...but I digress. *G*

"Self-help book" *chuckles*

maggie's mind said...

Wow, I kind of don't mind that I just called my dad on Father's Day and called it good. Sheesh.

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