Wednesday, June 11, 2008

It's the tw!l!ght of our ecl!pse for a new m00n at breaking d@wn. I'll be the h0st

The time has come, the Walrus said, to speak of Stephenie Meyer again.

Specifically, the booksigning from hell.

Oh, you remember author Stephenie Meyer. Please don't make me link to her stuff again. Here -- go here instead and you'll see why she aggravates me.

So. The Stephmeister came to town. It was quite a to-do, I should tell you.

Roo-girl and her two BFFs, Susie and Laurie (usually referred to as the single-named SusieandLaurie), were psyched. They got together the night before to make special t-shirts commemorating the event! With puffy paints! And Sharpies! And glitter!

*insert eyeroll here*

So anyway, it was like a well-oiled machine. The girls got out of school, one mom drove them to my office, complete with snacks and water bottles, and I set sail with a car-full of 13-year-old giggling girls and a BOATLOAD of books to be signed.

It was a 50-mile trek through rush-hour traffic to the scene of the crime, but we made good time and the girls entertained themselves with a rousing game of sweet-and-sour.

In fact, in MY opinion, this was the best part of the evening. At one time, they were attempting to get the guy behind us to wave. He kinda bobbed his head a little, but no waves. They persisted. He smiled. They used sign language. He smirked.

Finally, they made a sign and flashed it out the back window: PLEASE WAVE BACK!

The guy burst out laughing and waved. Cheers and whoops of joy echoed in our little vehicle.

Really, it went downhill from there.

The rules of engagement for this gagfest were strict -- and became stricter when they refused to allow cameras into the auditorium.

WHAT??? I trekked 50 miles (not to mention the trip to buy the tickets and the books) and I cannot take a photo of my girlie getting her book signed by her idol? Grrrrrrrrr.

We entered and were swept up in the vortex of enthusiasm. First, you had to be checked to make sure you brought your copy of "The Host" (NOT part of the treasured vampire series). No book? No entry.

Then they gave you a sticky paper with your name on it -- or at least the name of the person you wanted the book autographed to. That ensured no misspellings. A good plan.

Then -- the auditorium of doom.

I was surrounded by bouncing teenybopper girls, wearing t-shirts that expressed their undying devotion to Edward Cullen or Jacob Black (boo). Some were pre-fab but clever ("vegetarian vampire"); some were carefully handcrafted (like the young lady who had covered every square inch of her jeans with declarations of love to Edward and all things "Twilight").

When the Meyermeister was introduced, the screaming was high-pitched, eardrum-shattering and LOUD!!!!!!!!!! These kids were s.e.r.i.o.u.s. in their worship.

And basically, all she did was answer questions that had been submitted on card in advance.

First, "The Host" questions. The girls tolerated it with little squeaks of excitement.

But when Her Twilightness said it was time to talk about ...

The room ERUPTED. I guess I should be grateful that they were screaming for an author -- a rather ordinary-looking woman -- instead of some heavily tattooed, pierced, drug-snorting and black-lipsticked rocker boy. (Um, no offense to those of you with tats, piercings and black lipstick.)

Anyway, she answered her questions -- to much accompanying enthusiasm -- and then the lineup began.

Booksignings. The be-all and end-all of my $10 entrance fee.

Just to tell ya, we were numbers 667, 668, 669 and 670. It went up to 1,000. They called us in numerical order.

It was THREE HOURS before I herded my charges, signed books in hand and ear-to-ear grins on faces, back to the car.

The drive back was less eventful. No one wanted to play sweet-and-sour. They were content to eat their Subway sandwiches (at 10 p.m.) and gush over their hero.

I brought an exhausted Roo back home (there was no school the next day, people -- call off the dogs!) and tucked her into bed.

She threw her arms around my neck and squeezed me tight.

"Thank you sooooo much, Mommy," she whispered in my ear. "That was awesome."

Yes, it is, my baby. Yes, it is.


wright said...

What a great mom you are for trudging all that way and putting up with those rules!

suchsimplepleasures said...

who had number 666? sorry...just noticing what numbers you had!!
see, all the torture that us mothers put up with...the rewards can sometimes be bountiful. just knowing that your daughter was so excited that she had seen her favorite you were the one suckered into taking her...makes it all worthwhile...
will you be my mommy? i really want to see bon jovi this summer, ok? thanks!

nikki said...

Mommy, I love that word. Aaron has started calling me Mooooom! (insert annoyed tone here.) I miss the mommy. I'm glad the Roo-girl had such a good time. You have far more patience than I.

Janet said...

Now that it's all over and the signed books are safely in hand (and SUSANANDLAURIE's mothers have offered to buy you two tanks of gas each, right? Because they surely aren't TOTAL slackers), you can trot right on over to the website and give The SnotMeyer a piece of your mind. No photos indeed. What a snoot.

HRH said...

I think the whole evening is summed up by the 666...

mark of the beast...

You are WAY patient compared to me.

Marmarbug said...

you are a great mommy! I bet it was all worth it for that hug.

Robinella said...

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. I got all giddy reading about it and I have no idea who this bitch is!

Sarah said...

I still say that author sucks. Royally.

But anyway. I'm glad RG had a good time!! I guess that's what's important :)

Catwoman said...

Damn, you make the rest of us look really, really bad.

I think you rock too.

Mr Lady said...

Yeah, what Catwoman said.

Also, none taken. :) said...

Drat. Someone beat me to it. I was gonna say at least you weren't #666. That would've given me the willies.

Rachael said...

I didn't expect to get teary eyed from this post, but it happened somehow there at the end. It's partly the idea of kids being SO EXCITED about books, and meeting an author instead of some movie star. It just makes me feel happy. You are a totally awesome Mom for making all of that happen.

Sandy C. said...

Aww, you rock! That ending is so sweet :)

Cathy said...

That's awesome - and so cool that they were so excited to meet an author!

LceeL said...

I love it when those times come - when one or the other of the boys will have been given a reason to hug me and he says "I love you, Dad."

I get all oogee.

Huckdoll said...

I can only hope to be half as patient and awesome as you are when my girls are teens.

We will see.

Kaytabug said...

I seriously teared up from what she said to you.

Wendy said...

Wow, seriously great cool-mom job, there! Brava!

the Janet who's looking forward to the Twilight movie said...

At least you gave Roo a memory she'll cherish :-)

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