Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Number, please ... and no, she doesn't have ours

Oh woe is me.

Well, not me.

Woe is the Roo-girl -- she of the broken cell phone.

Sit down, my children, and let me tell you a tale from the parental town without pity:

Once upon a time, a certain teenage girl lusted mightily after a phone with a full QWERTY keyboard. You know, for ease of texting.

But picky she was, and not easy to please.

Her parents despaired of being able to satisfy her -- though, fear not, they really failed to care, as they felt that some things were just. too. much. for a teenager. Even one who lusts.

So she set out on a journey to find the phone of her dreams herself. And she did.

On eBay.

And she purchased the phone with her own dollars. But alas, she failed to read the fine print and, to her horror, found that the phone was ... ahem ... used.

But it had Tetris already on it, so that was a good thing, right?

And it had a full keyboard for quality texting, so that was a good thing, right?

And indeed it was good, and the teen was satisfied.

But it came to pass -- in a mere seven months -- that the phone of her dreams dropped dead on the spot, to text no more.

The teen was bereft and mourned her phone with a vengeance.

But teens are wont to be fickle, and it wasn't long before she was trolling the internet for another texting phone. This time, though, she was not interested in actually BUYING anything off the internet. Verily, she used it only for research.

And she was pained.

Because the carrier of the castle -- Cingular, which begat AT&T -- has crappy phones, she decreed. Why couldn't we transfer to the greener pastures of Verizon, which has GOOD phones?

Ah, said the patient but firm parents who really failed to care, because we have many phone lines and a contract and an iPhone, which ties us endlessly (and not unhappily) to AT&T. And whims of the teenager will not dictate our plight.

Humph, grumped the teen. Humph and humph and humph.

But perhaps she could LOOK at some phones and touch them and caress them, and perhaps one would light up her life.

In a valiant attempt to solve the problem of the universe for the picky one, the father took her to the AT&T store.

Where, excuse me all to freakin' hell, they bought a BlackBerry.


I do not have a problem with the BlackBerry, per se. In fact, I actually agreed to the purchase. It was a phone upgrade, and there were many rebates and discounts, making it not a big financial deal on its face.


No 14-year-old child of MINE is going to have internet access on her phone.

Not today, not tomorrow, not next year.

And really? A BlackBerry, while cool and cute looking, is pretty useless if you aren't going to be allowed to use the internet.

But, verily, I say unto you that being given a BlackBerry should still be a good thing.

Yet, when she got it home, she hated it.

Hated hated hated HATED it.

The patient yet slightly irritated parents exchanged meaningful looks acknowledging her astonishing brattiness and outrageous sense of entitlement, but remembered that all phones are returnable, no questions asked, for 30 days after purchase.

A trip back to the store was planned, but to the horror and total shock (not) of all concerned, the little darling was unable to find anything else that suited her.

Alas, the teen is now sulking as she is forced to use a conventional cell phone where texting involves the long, complicated, we-all-do-it-so-shut-up-already method of pushing the regular phone keys.

And alas.

The parents continue to fail to care.


The Laundress said...

Poor deprived child.

HRH said...

I would have to say that this is the best use of verily I have seen all day. Poor. Poor. Entitled teenager with tired texting fingers. Verily stand strong I say unto you.

Junebug said...

You know, I thought that teenagers actually enjoyed the difficult texting process. They are so good at it. They can send me three texts before I can even begin my reply.

Marmarbug said...

Gosh you are SO mean to that kid. I mean GEEZ she just expects you to feed her, buy her clothes and buy her the coolest phone ever. I mean GOSH!
Remind her when WE were her age there were no cell phones.
She'll love that! BRUHAHAHAHA

LSM said...

I am so happy to hear that we are not really the only mean parents out there. :) We made our 14 year-old earn the money to replace the phone she washed. But, she picked the Blackberry too! And, no, she does not have the Internet/email package. She's thrilled with the Blackberry, though--particularly the MP3player feature.

Domestic Spaz said...

What the heck IS with the 14 year old sense of entitlement? My niece who recently turned 14 is just as bad. For her birthday she requested an iPod. Not just any iPod, it was specific that her iPod must contain 30 GB or MORE.

When her father (who has no knowledge of any bytes other than the ones he takes out of sandwiches) accidentally mentioned that they needed to go shopping for a 3 GB iPod, my niece about flipped her lid.

Her parents were evil CRUEL people to even CONSIDER that only THREE gigabytes would be enough! Seriously, she wished she had NEVER BEEN BORN!

??!?! What the hell?! I can't wait till this kid has to pay rent.

Janet said...

Have you shown her the LG enV? It's awesome for texting! Here's a shot:

LceeL said...

Perhaps poor Roo Girl can learn how to use Predictive Text Messaging, which almost certainly is a feature on her phone. Ah, but then she would actually have to THINK about what she was typing - rather than just operating on instinct. Do 14 year olds THINK yet?

Rachael said...

Oh my gosh, the thought of my kid having a cell phone... My 9 year old sister got one this year. ARGH! Just watch, in about 2 min Roo girl will be texting like crazy on new phone.

nikki said...

Oh woe is me. Do I need to call child protective services? The nerve of you parents!!

Catwoman said...

How could supposed loving parents care so little about the plight of a child?

It's heartbreaking. I expect to see her in one of those ads for poor children that need to be sponsored for the price of a cup of coffee a day.

Melissa said...

When I was subbing earlier this year, I had to bust a FIFTH grader for texting on her phone in class. WTF?

I'll bet that once school starts she'll think the crackberry is pretty cool.

Heather said...

Someone should report those uncaring parents to the authorities.

Pamela said...

You should make her read my Party Line post.

Sandy C. said...

I bow down to your supreme mothering skills. I sit here feverishly taking notes for later use ;)

Burgh Baby's Mom said...

This is going to be one of those posts that you print out in 30 or so years and hand to Roo and say, "Dude. I know you didn't know I had a blog, but I did. And, I remember just how big of an a$$hole you were about a cell phone, so don't come whining to me about whatever it is that your daughter wants. Got it?"

Lexi said...

Aww...poor baby.

Myself, I had to wait until I was 18 so I could buy my own cell phone.

I thought that texting was easier the old way...when my new phone had qwerty, I was lost! Until I figured out t9 word, which is awesome...

lattemommy said...

I'm laughing so hard, I can barely type. You are a callous, callous mother. You're ruining her life! (runs down hall and slams door)

abritdifferent said...

I do feel sorry for you, but Janet, WOW that was sooooo entertaining to read.

Janet said...

I'm learning - I put my drink down as soon as I read the first line, knowing I would be positively frothy by the end.
Yeah, I don't have much sympathy either. I can't WAIT for the Queen to start demanding her phone. (MY first line of defense: "I didn't have a cell phone until I was 46 years old . . . )

Kaytabug said...

I L.O.V.E. how you composed this post! It was like a good book I couldn't put down!! NOT saying it was long, just a really GREAT read!!!

BTW, is it bad or wrong that I only want the new iphone to have the ease of texting?

kimberly said...

my own lovely, who has a pink razor, also has cell phone woes. Isnt it terribly awful how we mistreat these beautiful creatures we have been given to slave ourselves upon????? daughter wants an iphone....I dont even have an iphone!!! crazy!

Bina said...

I'm here via Miss Anne Derstood and I have to tell you this is one the BEST posts I have ever read regarding a teenager. I'm going through this RIGHT NOW! My freaking 12 YEAR OLD begged for a razor phone. For nine months. It wasn't time for an upgrade. So I spent the $300 on it for Christmas. Now??? She is selling it, using the money her father, her grandmother, and the money from her Razor, to buy an new phone.

So yea, I totally get it.

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