Thursday, December 11, 2008

Birthday dinner: what a load of crap!

I really did laugh out loud at the comments on my birthday post.

Because in addition to the birthday wishes (for which I thank you), there were countless expressions of glee that a Planet birthday meant a Planet birthday dinner.

You guys crack me the hell up.

Of COURSE there was birthday dinner.

However it wasn't the usual free-flowing hilarity that usually accompanies a gathering of the Planet crowd.

No, this one had a theme.

And it was crap.

No, seriously. It was CRAP.

Poop. Excrement. Poo. Ka-ka. Whatever you want to call it.

So if you are squeamish about these things, let me suggest that you bail NOW. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. I do not want to be responsible for any gagging or gross-outs later on.

You have been duly warned.

Ok, only the strong have remained? Cool. Let us begin.

So ... poop.

It all began with a toilet that wouldn't flush. Well, it flushed, but it didn't CLEAR. Ya know?

And we were in a hurry to leave the house, so Wonderhubby and I agreed we would deal with it later, when the water had a chance to ... uh ... recede.

In the car on the way to dinner (just me, Wonderhubby and Roo-girl), someone said SOMETHING that I don't remember, but it led directly into a conversation about the backed-up potty.

And the mention of the "turdlet" that remained.

Yes, I used the word "turdlet" -- and Roo-girl nearly fell out of the car in complete hysterics.

Which prompted Wonderhubby to tell a TOTALLY disgusting tale of a stall in the men's bathroom at Costco (one of the few places where I will "go" ... but probably not anymore).

So have I appropriately set the scene for you? It really, truly went downhill from there.

We arrive at the restaurant (one of my faves -- and we probably can't go back), and the rest of the crew is waiting for us at the table. Drummer and Fabulous Girlfriend. Drama King and Rocky. J-bear.

And the word "TURDLET" falls trippingly out of my daughter's mouth. Followed by supreme giggles.

Of course, everyone demands an explanation, which leads, of course, to the retelling (gag) of Wonderhubby's Costco story.

Drama King: Hahahahahaha. Rocky, you should tell YOUR story.

Rocky: Well, as long as we have stooped to this level ...

The Roo-girl: TELL TELL TELL!!!!

Rocky: My friend was once pretty drunk, and I decided that it was better for him to sleep it off at my place than to drive home. Little did I know that he crapped his pants in my car.

*I warned you ... get out now while you still can!!!!*

Rocky: At least I didn't know until I saw the trail ... of droplets ... from the car ... to my apartment ...

Evil Mother: Huh. Kinda like Hansel and Gretel, so he could find his way?

Drama King: Yeah, except if Hansel and Gretel had used that, they wouldn't have gotten lost.

The Roo-girl: *falls on the floor in uncontrollable hysterics*

Wonderhubby: There was a guy I went to school with who was totally nasty. One day he was sitting at his desk, and he shook his leg and a turd fell out.

Drummer: Yeah, well, that happened to me once ... when I was at the grocery store.


Drama King: Hmmmm. I'm a little surprised you would share that with us ...

And, accordingly, I am TOTALLY going to hell for sharing it with the internet.

But I can't say I didn't warn you.


Junebug said...

Oh ho ho ho! This is too funny. I use the word "turd" all the time. My daughter's boyfriend finds it hilarious. Or so he says. Also "nodules of turds." But I have never seen anyone but a toddler or an animal drop them around here.

Suzanne said...

Well, I will say this. Your dinners are memorable!

We still comment about DK's "butt babies don't live" comment.

Crazed Mom said...

Bwahahahahaha. I can so picture this and I can't describe how sad I am because we are not coming to SB.

Being a nursing student I could have added much to your dinner conversation...............snicker.

Tink said...

He shook his leg and a turd fell out?! Bwahahahaha. That's disgusting! I once promised my nephew that if he started pooping in the potty, I would throw him a pooping party. There were going to be swiss cake rolls and chocalate pudding, tootsie rolls and fudge. Now that I think about it, the poor kid never did get that party.

Eternal Sunshine said...

You are the greatest. We wanted a birthday dinner story, and you did NOT disappoint.

Your family rocks!!

Kaytabug said...

I love potty humor. Hilarious.
There is nothing I want more than to come there to have MY Birthday dinner!

nikki said...

What is it about poop and fart stories that are just so damn funny?! said...

Oh my. I say turdlet, too, but now I don't know if I'll ever be able to from here on out. EWWW

LceeL said...

Round our house they are referred to as "Sea Pickles" - although in the case of my second son we renamed them "Sea Cucumbers" in honor of their enormity.

ChrisB said...

Your family dinner are just so entertaining. I was a nurse (once upon a time) so when you've been covered in the stuff more than once, nothing you write about fazes me. Highly entertaining post.

Joanna said...

(claps hands) Well y'all didn't disappoint!

Burgh Baby said...



Yeah, I'm speechless.


Burfica said...

Turdlet??? TURDLET!!!!! hahahahahahaha heheheheheheheh hohohohohohohohoho UH UH UH UH UH

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG yeah well all and I mean ALL of our family dinners, turn towards bodily function talk. Weather it be *snork* turdlets *snark* farts, burps, whatever is a bodily function it's dinner conversation. hahahahaha

Beckie said...

I always wondered how those turds ended up in the oddest of places. I thought maybe dogs or toddlers. I have a whole new concept now.

My verification word is 'cares' - isn't that sweet?

Momisodes said...


I'm a nurse.

And I've seen and heard plenty of turd scenarios (including droplets).

But never, NEVER, have I seen the leg shaking.

I'm keeping my eyes OPEN next time I'm at the grocery store :)

Pamela said...

in a previous employment we had an elderly attorney shake one loose outside our office door. I think he was running to the mens room. It definitely was a turdelette.

Here's one for Roo Girl:
When I was about 5 I heard this joke.

Do you know how to take care of a turtle?

Flush it down a toilet, and a turtle take care of itself.

Rachel said...

Do you know that I am a horrid friend? I missed your birthday. I am so so sorry.
That's what I get for paying attention to my family damnit.

'turdlets' is one of my favorite words, it perfectly describes what other words cannot.

Rachael said...


It's just like my family. At ANY family dinner/event it is completely inevitible that eventually the topic will be turned to some sort of bodily fluid completely inappropriate for mealtime.

Trannyhead said...

BWAHAHAHA on the crap falling out of the pants. That's awesome.

I once went to H&R block and this tax prep guy PEED himself while we were there. I took my documents and got the hell out of there. And I'm NEVER going back, damnit.

swamp elf said...

Oh, you MUST go find my post entitled, "Sinkers or Floaters."
It was posted sometime just before Thanksgiving...
Happy "Belated" Birthday, you little turdlet.

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

Ha ha ha ha ha! Guess I'm a sucker for a good Poo story. Comes from growing up with three brothers, I guess. We use the word 'turdlet' quite often in our house. I'm almost sad some of its 'charm' has worn off...

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