Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I hear the quadriceps singing

Ah, that's not entirely fair.

I hear the quadriceps SCREAMING.

I'm sore. Did I mention that I'm sore?

I had a brain cloud over the weekend and agreed to a (free) hour with a personal trainer at the gym.

My motives were pure. I had been pretty much a slug since my vacation in November, and, with the start of the new year, I figured I should get my sorry (and ever-expanding) ass back into the gym.

ASAP.

I was also bored. I had been doing some classes -- mat pilates, water aerobics, "low-and-sculpt" (whatever that means) -- and thought maybe I could progress to a big-girl workout on actual machines.

So when the trainers started contacting members and offering complimentary sessions, I bit.

I was clear when I met with the woman, though, that I really wasn't interested in more one-on-one sessions but that my primary goal was to figure out some of the machines and get some sort of routine going.

Two hours later -- yes, you read that correctly, two hours -- I hobbled out of the gym and went home. My head was full of nonsense that I knew I would never remember.

Nor did I care to.

I present to you the "workout" that I was given -- 10 minutes on the treadmill followed by repetitions on more muscle-specific machines than I thought actually existed.

Each machine required an adjustment. A seat. A foot pad. A cable height. Appropriate weights.

Shoot me.

I'm a simple woman with a simple attention span. After six machines, I was a little confused.

After 10, I was looking at the trainer a little funny.

When we got to 14, I was distracted by something shiny and forgot everything she told me.

And yet she had "just one more" to show me.

Yes. Fifteen machines, all with multiple adjustments and a different number of reps and weight.

But never fear, Janet, she told me. "I wrote it all down for you."

I present to you ... exhibit A: my official exercise routine.


You really can't make this crap up.

And yeah, I'm going back to water aerobics.

25 comments:

Suzanne said...

Good Lord, Woman, I'm worn out after reading the first column!

Hope you're feeling better today!

Rachael said...

Oh my God. That paper she gave you, I just have no words. It made me crack up.

Jenni said...

Please tell us what language that was written in so we can have Babelfish translate.

Kaytabug said...

Wow. I actually clicked it to big it to read it. Way back in the day I had a trainer do for me what she did for you but I never remembered the names of the machines, just what they looked like or gave them names like the thigh squeezer.
I still have the paper, somewhere.
I've been thinking strongly about going back. I actually like the elliptical. A treadmill makes me sick.

High 5 to you and your quads!

Tink said...

I think that woman was trying to kill you!

songbird's crazy world said...

I feel your pain!

Burgh Baby said...

That's reason enough to stick to my current exercise plan. It involves sitting in a chair and working really hard not to do anything.

Debbie said...

Yeah. That trainer needs a real life. I'd like to take her out back and teach her a thing or two. Sorry. Physically fit people just tick me off.

Huckdoll said...

OMG. That's insane, Janet. Complicated, overwhelming and did i mention insane?

Judith Shakespeare said...

Bwahahaha... There are truly some crazy people out there, aren't there???

Nap Warden said...

Goodness! That is just nutty...Ummm, get back in the pool!

LceeL said...

But if you stuck with that - you could develop an Austrian accent und ve could call you Ah-nuld.

Karen said...

Been there, done that. It's no wonder that I quit the gym. Thanks for THAT flashback.

Trannyhead said...

Ah the memories ... I joined this gym when I was in college and I was home for the summer and had a similar experience. The personal trainer was a total hottie and apparently he dug me because he wanted to give me lessons "outside the gym" that he wouldn't charge the full price for as required by the gym. I was skeeved out even if he was hawt.

Lynette said...

AHAHAHAHAHA....
just walk on the treadmill and call it a day. LOL.

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

Did my comment not post? Damn you blogspot. I think that woman needs to step away from the roids, cause DAMN! There is no way I'd do all that.

Jaina said...

I need to get off my butt and start moving. Seriously.

That Chick Over There said...

My brain hurts just LOOKING AT THAT CRAP.

Pamela said...

when I was working I didn't have the schedule for water aerobics. Now I'm not working and I don't have the budget to join (well, I could probably budget it in ... but anyhoooo)

(I'm afraid someone might try to throw me back in the ocean)

~sWaMpY~ said...

Two words of advice: Get a new trainer !

Joanna said...

Holy crap!! Did she give you the interpretation to go with it or was that extra?

Ordinarylife said...

I have a cramp just looking at that!

Eternal Sunshine said...

Yowzas!!!

I'd stick with water aerobics, too.

Of course, the easiest weight loss I ever had was when I took Water Aerobics in college. One day, a few weeks after the class ended, someone informed me that my jeans were WAY too big on me. I went to find a scale, and I was down 10-12 lbs...

And I've been saying for 14 years since that I really need to find another Water Aerobics class.

Janet said...

Have mercy. You must have done something really awful to her in a former life.

Karen said...

Holy shit! That might as well be e+MC2 or something like that. Just as hard to decipher (besides the fact that it LOOKS like it would kill you to do it)

 
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