Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Compote happens

Tonight is the first night of Passover, and in honor of the holiday season, I am reprinting one of my favorite posts -- the story of matzah and my colon. Or, as we refer to it at this time of year, my semi-colon.

This is a difficult week for those of us of the Jewish persuasion -- of which I count myself a member.

It's Passover -- truly a lovely holiday that is all about the celebration of freedom from slavery.

I love this holiday. I love the traditions. I love the two nights of seder dinners with their traditional foods. I love the way the foods are meant to represent parts of the story -- the charoset (the mortar of the bricks the Jews made for the pharaohs of ancient Egypt), the bitter herb (representing the bitterness of slavery), the matzah (the unleavened bread that the Jews took on their flight from Egypt because they couldn't wait for the bread to rise).

Yes, I love it all.

Well, almost all.

I hope it's OK if I tell you a little secret:


Matzah really IS the bread of our affliction.

Or, to put it another way: Holy Moses! I am so freakin' constipated!!!!!

Ah, matzah, I love you, but you do not love me.

There is nothing that binds us Jews together like the traditional solidifying of our intestinal tract into a concrete block.

And please, let's not talk about the after-effects of my favorite take-to-work-during-Passover lunch: melted cheese on a matzah.

That sound you heard was my colon grinding to a halt.

Now, when I was a small child and going to seders at the home of the family matriarch (my paternal grandmother -- and you BETTER not cross this woman ... and I'm serious, young lady!), there was always something that puzzled me about the meal.

She always served this nauseating fruit compote thing for dessert.

All us kids would stare at it in horror and try to pass it off to the person to our right. Uh, no thanks, Grandma. Really! I couldn't eat another bite!

Right nasty it was, all pale and slimy-looking in a bowl.

But it wasn't until years later that I had an epiphanous moment.

It was stewed fruit, people. Apricots, peaches and PRUNES!

My grandma knew even way back then the importance of this traditional phrase:

"Let my people GO!!!!!!!!!!"


LceeL said...

Oy. Happy Passover - if that's appropriate.

And now - said with love -

Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it wasn't for Jesus
We'd all be Jewish.

Janet said...

LOL! You're so good with the poop humor ;-)

justmylife said...

AH HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That is all I can say right now.

Kaytabug said...

It's just as good now as it was a year ago!!!

Momisodes said...


You're a riot :)

Looks like your grandma started her own tradition. Will you be serving compote this year?

Daisy said...


In the Protestant way, I recommend a Norwegian fruit soup. Hot or cold, with a dash of whipped cream, it has all the (um) ingredients to move you. It's up to you to find out if it's Kosher.

(still laughing at your post title)

Burgh Baby said...

Yup, still funny!

Tink said...

I remember this post! Lol. I already have problems down there. The thought of eating something that would make it WORSE kind of horrifies me.

ClumberKim said...

Love this! Missed it the first time so I'm glad you brought it back.

Can you help a girl out with a recipe for matzah brei? You'd think where I live I could find someone to help me, but no, I turn to the internets instead.

songbird's crazy world said...

LOL, Janet, that fruit compote is a staple in our house this time of year.

(said as I munch on a board of matzo schmeered with butter and salt...)

Joyce-Anne said...

heehee Too funny.

Suzanne said...

I love the occasional snack of matzoh like a schickza would, but I feel for you to have to consume it for eight days.

Prune smoothies, anyone?

karisma said...

LOL! Or you could just eat some chillies with it! That will get you going.

Karen said...

You need to give a warning before posting something like that. I was eating. Now my screen needs cleaned.

This needs to be published somewhere. Seriously.

nikki said...

Hahahaha! Me love you long time.

Karmyn R said...

ha ha ha - thanks for the giggle!

Debbie said...

This is one of my favorites of yours! I just love it.

Pamela said...

bwaaa ha ha ha... I remember this post

Janet said...

I remember this one. Still a keeper!
Happy Passover.

melissa said...

that's so funny because that's what i say. dried fruit is the antidote to matzo. you're hilarious!
hope you had a great seder!!!
xoxo next year in jerusalem...or something like that

Trannyhead said...

I want you to know that when I was in college, the "Jewish Fraternity" (i.e. the one with all the Jewish boys) did a Jewish-centric prank every semester for the Organic Chemistry class. This was, by far, the worst class at my school. Hardest. Separated the men from the boys and whatnot. They'd wait until the final exam and then send in a pledge to heckle people. So there all these students are freaking out at their desks moments before hte final is set to begin. In comes some freshman in a bathrobe with a big, fake beard. He stands up at the front of the room and bellows, "LET MY PEOPLE GO!" and is promptly escorted out of the room.

I hadn't thought of that until this post. Just thought I'd share.

Jaina said...

Lol. Grandma's are smart. Happy belated Passover.

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