Monday, August 31, 2009

She can see clearly now ...

She asked.

And, God help me, I told her.

Now what do I do?

We were snuggled together in a come-say-goodnight-to-me moment in her room, and she sat bolt upright and asked.

"How did my dad die?"

It is a question she has asked before. She had always been satisfied with the answer of complications of cardiac issues and diabetes, but she KNEW there was more.

She knew there was more because I had told her that about 6 months ago when she pressed yet again. But at that time, I asked her if she REALLY wanted to know.

And she said no.

This time, she looked me square in the eye and said yes.

So I told her.

I told my 15-year-old daughter that, when she was 3 1/2, her father had died of AIDS.

And she cried.

But she didn't cry for him.

She cried for me.

She cried because I had had to go through that horror 11 years ago -- a million years ago.

She cried because I get tested whenever I have a physical exam.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Mommy. I'm so sorry."

I'm sorrier that she has to go through this now.

The very last vestige of memories of a daddy is gone. She actually yanked a pillow off her bed -- a pillow he bought for her ... a pillow she has slept with every night for 11 years -- and threw it on the floor.

"I don't want that pillow anywhere near me," she declared. "I don't want to sleep with it anymore."

I pulled her close to me, and we held each other in the darkness.

And now we both try to forget.

God help me.

Crossposted at Mid-Century Modern Moms

27 comments:

Tara R. said...

I am so sorry you had to carry that heartbreaking truth for so long.

Suzanne said...

I'm sorry for both of you.

Tammy Howard said...

How sad for both of you. I'm sorry both for your loss and for how it came about.

Jenni said...

Sometimes knowing the truth hurts, but I think there comes a time when you need to know because not knowing is horrible, too. At least once you know, you can deal with the truth and move on. Knowing there is something you don't know is like knowing there's a monster waiting in the closet. Then, once you know, it's no longer a monster but a puzzle piece. You put in in place, and move on. It's just a small part of the bigger picture. I think it's always better to face the scary truth--when the time is right--than to allow it to continue haunting you like some unknown and feared monster.

Roger said...

I'm sorry that you had to go through that nightmare. Now that the truth is out there for Roo, I hope that she learned from it and realizes what a great Mommy you truly are.

LceeL said...

It's time you told her - and it's time you were done being tested. You don't need to hold on to that any longer. None of it.

Rachel said...

Oh Janet.

Hugging you and Roo.
I'm so sorry honey.

Debbie said...

Oh Janet. That is so sad. I am happy you have each other to lean on.

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

Janet, I just read your story.

{HUGS}

That's all I can offer.

justmylife said...

Hugs to both of you!!!!

Jac said...

My heart breaks for both of you. I can only begin to imagine how painful it's been for you for years, and how painful last night was for her. But now that you've cleared the air I hope that you can both move on.

The Duchess of Wessex said...

Gracious!

This is truly Heartbreaking... You and Roo are in my thoughts and prayers for your peace.

I'm so proud of you for telling the truth. And, what a strong Girl you've rasied. To know your burden is shared and understood (and that you get credit for carrying it alone as long as you have) must give you some comfort.

Siobhan said...

Hopefully this will prove to be some sort of closure for you. I hope it can help you (both) move on.

Kaytabug said...

Oh sweetheart. I'm so glad that the truth was told, that you don't have to carry that secret anymore. I am sure it was extremely hard for the both of you. Now the healing can begin. I'm with Jenni and LceeL.

I love you! Lots of HUGS and kisses from me for you and Roo!

Nap Warden said...

Ugh...heartbreaking {hugs}

Burgh Baby said...

I'm so sorry, Janet. At least now you can be free of that secret and you and Roo can work towards healing together.

ChrisB said...

This must have been so hard for you. Just reading has left me feeling drained and emotional for you both. Now Roo knows I hope the healing can really begin (hugs).

Joanna said...

Oh so sorry! But I have to agree with everyone else - time to move on. Hugs to ya both!

Pamela said...

big sigh
bigger hug
biggest prayer

Marthavmuffin said...

This is so sad, I am sorry for both of you and hope she comes through it all right. It sounds like she knows she is loved so very much by you and that will help her so much.

Simply Jenn said...

Oh my gosh Janet. *hugs* I can not even imagine having to tell one of my children that, or knowing that you have had to live through that. I feel slightly broken hearted for the both of you now, but I am beyond thrilled that you BOTH are here to tell the story. Maybe good things DO happen to good people in the end.

Simply Jenn said...

Oh, also- email me at my old email addy (it works for now) and I will email you my new one. Hugs again!

Karen said...

*hugs*

There are some times when words just aren't sufficient.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Oh, Janet. I am soooo sorry! Bless your heart and Roo's too. I can't imagine what you must have gone through and how hard that must be to tell her and watch it effect her. I will pray for both of you.

Janet said...

Bless you sweetie. But it's better that you told her when she wanted to know. Now you can mourn together. (And don't let her throw that pillow away. She may regret that later. She may not - but impulse cleaning is best avoided.)

Rachael said...

(Hugs) there's not much to say except that she is so lucky she has you.

Jaina said...

I'm so proud that you had the strength to tell her. I hope you both are able to heal together. ::hugs::

 
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