Thursday, May 13, 2010

Mother's Day + birthday dinner = train wreck

Only in the Planet household could you get a double dose of classic dinner-table conversation in one weekend.

With Mother's Day and Drummer Man's birthday coming in close proximity to each other, we found ourselves with a scheduling dilemma. The pole-dancing grandma planned her command performance Mother's Day event for Saturday night (don't ask), and so we planned birthday dinner for Mother's Day evening.

The issue for us these days is all these adults with actual jobs and fluctuating work schedules. Z-man works weekend nights. Drama King works weekend days. Oops.

Anyway, it was a weekend full of the usual stuff:

While watching the Lakers nearly lose in the last 4.4 seconds ...

Pole-Dancing Grandma: Why do all those basketball players shave their heads?

Drama King: Aerodynamics.

Pole-Dancing Grandma: Is that it? Really?

Drummer Man: *with his usual straight face, God bless him* Yeah, that's why swimmers do it too.

Drama King: Swimmers? AERODYNAMICS?????

Cue general hysterical laughter.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Evil Mother: *to Randy Grandpa* You guys slept with the door open. It took me YEARS to figure out what it meant when the door was closed.

Randy Grandpa: A little slow, are ya?

Smart-Ass Brother: They didn't do that. I don't want to think about it.

Evil Mother: Well, you know they did it at least four times ...

Randy Grandpa: You know, we use to put ...

*Pole-Dancing Grandma taps him lightly on the arm*

Randy Grandpa: ... Butch Wax on the ...


Randy Grandpa: ... doorknob to ...


Randy Grandpa: ... keep you kids ...

*Vulcan death grip applied*

Randy Grandpa: ... from being able to ...

Pole-Dancing Grandma: THAT'S ENOUGH.

*Cue out-of-the-nose-beverage-spewing from everyone at the table.*

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
And then there was birthday dinner for Drummer Man.

I'm not sure that there are words to describe what went on at that table Sunday night.

The tamest moment was this:

J-bear: Is Rocky coming?

Wonderhubby: That's personal.

Yes, we considered that to be tame.

Especially when the conversation turned to "The Human Centipede." (I provided the link, but you have been warned. DO NOT LOOK. Just know that this is a Drummer Man special, the same child o' mine who wanted to see the vagina dentata movie.)

So yes, the birthday boy has seen the movie. Not only that, he has seen it TWICE and described in excruciating detail how the demented doctor in the film created the -- ahem -- human centipede.

While we were eating.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Drama King: Oh, Mom, did I tell you? Chris Evans has a younger brother who is GAY. And he's my age!

Evil Mother: Huh. Rocky, what do you have to say about this?

Rocky: Have a good time.

Evil Mother: Oh ho!! So this is your free pass?

(We interrupt this hilarity to explain the free pass: For me, it's Toby Keith. If he rang our doorbell, Wonderhubby would say, "Have a good time. I'll be here when you get back." Ok, carry on.)

Drama King: Yes. Except for us, it's the top 5.

Evil Mother: Top 5? Whoa. I just have one free pass.

Drama King: That's why you should be gay.



Karen said...

What, they make up their own rules? Is that allowed? What else is different in the gay community? Because if calories are cut in half I'd seriously have to consider a change of venue.

Suzanne said...

As always, the family get togethers are comedy gold!

FIVE free passes?

LceeL said...

I am SO DEPRIVED (and depraved). I had never even HEARD of 'vagina dentata' until two years ago when you covered it (more or less) in your post. So glad to see it's back again.

Indigo said...

There is no end to the entertainment in your house. I love it! (Hugs)Indigo

Burgh Baby said...

Can I adopt them? All of them? I'll even take Randy Grandpa.

MJ said...

I just watched the trailor for the human centipede movie...WTF?!?!?!

I really would love to be at a family dinner, though, they are AWESOME!!!

Carolie said...

Heh...we have The List. We each have five people on the list. HOWEVER, the rule is that you can't change the list with no notice -- all changes have to be made at least 72 hours in advance. (He claims that will keep me from someday running into someone like Hugh Jackman and claiming "oh, I switch Hugh Jackman onto the list in place of Liam Neeson! Bye, honey!")

Siobhan said...

Ok, for the purposes of fairness, is the 5 of mixed sexual orientation? Call me crazy, but that's an unfair advantage! Love those dinners!

Pamela said...

you don't know how relieved I was when you finally said doorknob (in reference to where the butch wax went)

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