Monday, June 21, 2010

The post where I say nothing -- and everything

Every once in awhile, I am speechless.

It doesn't happen often. The last time I was rendered incapable of having the words to express an important moment, Z-man spilled the beans on his sexual preferences.

This is not quite that dramatic, but still, it has been a weekend filled with drama, tears, angry text messages, more tears, temper tantrums by people who are too old to have them and more tears.

And I am processing.

It's something I will write about eventually. I'm sure I will have to.

Because blogging is like breathing. Every time I think I will just give it up, I realize that I can't.

But for the moment, I can't blog about this either.

Part of it is because I'm not sure I can stand listening to the haters again.

Part of it is because I'm still so raw that I can barely breathe.

And like I said, blogging is like breathing.

So ... not yet.

Crossposted at Mid-Century Modern Moms

32 comments:

Tara R. said...

{{hugs}}

songbird's crazy world said...

[[hugs]] Kanet. I've got some family drama going on right now too, I am an emotional mess about it...sending you some cyber wine and chocolate, we can commiserate over a glass or two.

Jenni said...

Believe me, I know what it's like to need to blog about something and not be able to. Often. Which sucks because sometimes there are things that need to be said that I can't say any other way. I need to write them and the old diary just doesn't work the same. Whatever it is, I'm sure you'll get through this. You are so strong. I hope you're able to breathe, and write, freely soon.
This song always helps me, so I'm sending it to you this morning:o) Just Breathe. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPz3YaIJkjQ

Burgh Baby said...

This too shall pass . . .

Kaytabug said...

HUGS and lots of LOVE.
I too, have had things I really needed to blog about but couldn't. Like Jenni said the old diary just isn't the same!!

HalfAsstic.com said...

Awww. I hate hearing about "the haters".... (But secretly, I'm kinda jealous since I still haven't had my first hate mail yet. I think that's when you become a REAL blogger. ;-))

Marthavmuffin said...

*hugs* sending lovingkindness your way and to the 'Haters'. they know not...

Kila said...

(((Hugs))) We're here for you.

The Duchess of Wessex said...

Sending you hugs of support!

Kiwibird said...

Janet, We are thinking of you too. Someone once said to me "don't worry about anything that time or money can't fix"... I'm not sure if that is helpful to you in your situation, but I often find that it helps me (just sometimes I have to think super hard to find out how!)... Sending you hugs and peanut butter choc chip cookies...

Kiwibird

Kiwibird said...

Whoops - I meant "don't worry about anything that time or money CAN fix" which could really change the context completely!!! But whichever fits your need!

Simply Jenn said...

Oh Janet, huge hugs. Know that I am here for you when you're ready to speak and breathe (but it's my professional opinion that you continue to breathe, even if you can't speak)

Suzanne said...

Hugs, my friend. You are a strong woman and will get through it.

A favorite quote "The two worst words in our language are 'indicted' and 'inoperable.' The rest is small potatoes." While it's big now, if it's not one of those two things, it will get better.

Pamela said...

I get it.

Rachael said...

Big Hugs to you Janet. It can be so frustrating to need to get something out, yet at the same time be unable. I hope all is okay (or more okay) now.

Rebecca West said...

I have to point out that if this was about J-Bear's hair, and she wasn't allowed to go to your parent's anniversary, you rejected her on the anniversary of the Stonewall Riot. You know, Pride weekend.

There's a very big difference between tolerance and acceptance.

Your "hater"

Nikki said...

Really Ms. West? There's also a really fine line between telling it like it is and being a bitch. I will let you figure out what side of that line you are standing on.....

Rebecca West said...

I'm standing on the line of being a gay person who has been rejected by her family, and has a partner who has been rejected by her family as well, who is very, very tired of being told that we need to change ourselves and hide who we are because of other people's discomforts. And both of our families say that they are so accepting - as long as we don't, you know, get married, or try to attend family functions together, and so long as my partner is willing to conform her person (her clothing, her body) to the expectations of her family.

I'm coming from the perspective of someone who had my car vandalized because I had a pride sticker on it.

I am coming from the perspective of trying to help a student stay in college after her parents cut her off emotionally and financially because she's a lesbian.

I am coming from the perspective of a person who mentors gay youth and had three teenagers - 16, 18, 19 year old - suicide in the last four months.

I am coming from the perspective of someone who is tired of watching people suffer because of prejudice.

That last post should have had my e-mail: westrj@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

The links to your older posts are really telling. You seem to think of yourself as having "proven your worth as a parent to a gay" (really 'a gay'!?) but as a queer person, I have to tell you that every time you mention your children's sexuality, I *cringe*

I hope you get over yourself enough to get past the "haters", and realise that those people very well may have legitimate concerns about the damage your wreaking.

LceeL said...

Blogging is like breathing - not something easily given up. Not by a long shot. Not anything *I* want you to do, either - although I have noticed a huge dropoff in your posting and I was going to ask you what the heck has been going on - I miss my Janet.

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

I'm sorry so very sorry trolls have to peruse your blog looking to lash out at you as a parent who is accepting of her children. I know I'd have a very very very hard time if my child announced he was homosexual - as it's against basically EVERYTHING I believe in morally, ethically, and politically. You are getting so much negativity, and I'm very sorry. You certainly don't deserve it. I think you can accept your child without having to approve in any way. I love ya, dear.

Rebecca West said...

I'm sorry, Anglophile Football Fanatic, you actually can't accept while disapproving. You can tolerate - you can be willing to put up with someone or something - but that's not acceptance. And that's not love.

Also, I am not a troll. My e-mail is right there. Talk to me all you want.

Anonymous said...

Why are people who don't believe as you do (morally, ethically, and politically) inherently trolls?

The issue isn't that she doesn't approve. The issue is that she touts herself as so supportive and accepting, and she's not. She's consistently insulting, dismissive, and demeaning.

That's against everything I believe in morally, ethically, and politically, too. Who treats their *own children* with such disdain, and then crows about it in such a self-congratulatory way?

Knifty Thrifty said...

I personally, think that EVERY PERSON has a right to deal with things in their own way.

When I came out last year, my parents did not take it well, and they still aren't. But you know what? That's ok too. This is a BIG FERAKIN DEAL to some people and part of this process for me has been accepting that not everyone in my life is going to handle it the way that I want them to.

I think that J has done a great job handling her sons sexuality, and I personally wish that my Mom was able to handle it as well as she is.
So to all you haters who are using being Gay as a reason to Hate... you are kind of being the exact thing you are supposedly fighting against.

Rebecca West said...

No, Knifty Thrifty, it's not okay. You should NOT have to accept that people are going to reject and disapprove of you for what you are. That is THEIR problem, not yours.

I wouldn't have a problem with Janet's presentation of her problems with her daughter and her son's sexuality if she wasn't patting herself on the back for being accepting. It's not having the problem with homosexuality that makes me angry - it's the hypocrisy of claiming to be okay with it. In particular, the explicit rejection of her daughter and the characterization of her daughter's coming out as a "temper tantrum."

Burgh Baby said...

@Rebecca West--I have to wonder, why did you choose the name "Rebecca West?" While she was a fantastic writer and certainly contributed immensely to the feminist movement, her personal life was a shambles. From failed marriages to affairs to publicly undermining and disrespecting the son she essentially abandoned in his youth, she was hardly someone to idolize. Furthermore, she was guilty of doing the very thing which you are accusing Janet of doing. She repeatedly was on record as not approving of homosexuality and even went so far as to write about how women should not give up their feminism in their quest to be equals.

What are you trying to say with your choice of names?

midlifenatalie said...

hm...should i even weigh in here?

i am in the coming out process as well. i have told my parents and siblings, but i haven't said anything to my own 4 children. i will eventually.

coming out is a process. everyone i've talked to had a process, some time that they took to come out. it took time to understand and accept themselves as homosexual. many were disappointed in themselves analyzing every aspect of their lives looking for hints of it. many tried to pray it away. some ignored it hoping it would go away, and some even kill themselves because of how much pain it causes them.

yes society can help by being more tolerant. our families can help by being accepting and supportive and by coming alongside us as we navigate this new territory.

BUT for most of us we have been processing our coming out long before we ever say anything. there is an inner struggle long before any outward appearance. to think that just because i am ok with telling my family i'm gay doesn't mean i have to demand that they be accepting and supportive of me the minute i say something. it took me years to accept it about myself and because i love my family i am willing to let them come to terms with it as well. some of them may never be able to accept me. while it makes me sad i certainly can't demand that they do. it doesn't mean they don't love me. it doesn't mean that they are scared of me or that they are uneducated or that they are haters. some people have a moral code that is different and i respect their right to stand by that as long as they aren't out physically hurting the ones they don't agree with.

and since something was said about hair i'll give my 2 cents there as well. if i was going to my grandparents anniversary i would make sure that they way i dressed and wore my hair honored them. if my hairstyle was going to make them uncomfortable or call attention to me on their big day i would change it because i love them. it's hair. it's not your identity. another example. when i lived in turkey i visited muslim mosques with friends on several occasions. when i did i covered my head because that's what the women do there. i did it not because i agreed with islam but because i respected my muslim friends. i didn't pray or change my faith or who i was to make them comfortable. wearing a scarf didn't change who i was. it honored the friends who invited me. if i hadn't been comfortable wearing the scarf i wouldn't have accepted the invitation to go.

Knifty Thrifty said...

"Rebecca"-

So what you are saying then...is that YOU and they way YOU think it should be is right...and EVERYONE ELSE who might not agree with you or how you think it should be is wrong?

Hi..umm... Pot, I'd like you to meet kettle...

lol.

I'm not saying that anyone SHOULD less than accepting of anyone else for any reason, I'm just saying that they have the right to. I'm being realistic about the world we are living in. My way isn't the right way for everyone, and I accept that.

And as far as the situation at hand here, which I'm pretty sure was if J accepts and loves her children... I have children, so I can imagine how hard it would be for someone who DOESN'T UNDERSTAND how it feels to be gay to wrap their heads around this.

I think J is doing a great job, and the only person she has to answer to here is GOD and her sons.

Rebecca West said...

@ Burgh Baby : Rebecca West is my real name. I did not chose it. I feel what I am saying is important enough to actually stand behind it.

@ midlifenatalie - It's one thing to make a choice, it's another to be forced into it. And a situation where someone else has made it clear that a person will not be welcome because of their appearance is a situation of manipulation and force. Like you not, it's "just hair." So...then why is so important that J-Bear or anyone else conform their hair to other people's expectations?

@ Knifty Thrifty - no need to for quotes, Rebecca is my name. On your point: this is not a matter of agreeing or disagreeing; this isn't just a random political opinion or ice cream flavor preference. It's prejudice and bigotry, which should not ever be acquiesced to.

Jane has actually now said that she no longer wishes this sort of discussion to go on here...but if anyone else is interested, my e-mail is westrj@gmail.com.

The Duchess of Wessex said...

Sorry... Just have to say it... My Rover was keyed because I had a GWBush sticker on the rear window. Gay people don't own the corner where people being hated live.

I'm sure it was a very tolerant liberal-minded person that keyed my car. At least that what the Land Rover bodyshop guy wanted me to know.

Anonymous said...

Duchess, that's such a strawman. No one, including Rebecca, said that gay people DID own the corner where people being hated live.

Anonymous said...

@Knitty:

"I think J is doing a great job, and the only person she has to answer to here is GOD and her sons."

And her daughter, the one that happens to be gay, and J obviously has a problem with.

 
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